Darkness, An Old Friend

I consider myself a happy, healthy, and empathetic person, but this does not disqualify me from ever having “dark” emotions. Below is my way of written communication, to connect with those of us (most of us) who have ever felt overcome by a certain emotion. This, in deep sincerity, is for you.

Hello, my personal darkness.

You sneak your way through partly cracked doors,

The kind that we often gently close, not thinking to check the latch behind.

But you find your way in, 

silently, unannounced.

You know you are never welcome, and that is what makes your unwanted return so sweet to you.

You feed off of guilt and shame.

You’re thirsty for self loathing and torment.

You greet hurting souls with open arms

You hold hearts, knowing damn well they are grenades in your hands,

When really they are meant to be soft wings in our chests that allow the beating of blood to be our reason for waking up each morning.

You seep into our bloodstream as easily as water takes up salt, 

you dissolve and inhabit our entirety.

You twist your fingers into our thoughts, controlling with painful force- the opposite of how our minds wished to be held- which makes your presence that much more uncomfortable.

You don’t fit,

But similar to the way a puzzle is not complete even with one missing piece of 1,000,

You slide yourself in, forcing your sharp edge into a rounded corner,

You create a fake wholeness.

We know ways to break your bond, 

We know tools that pry you from our beings,

But for some, you are intoxicating to the point where we do not know who we are, without you.

Hello, my personal darkness.

You are not always around,

In fact I am quicker now, at banishing you away,

But on the days where you come back- I am surprised to still know you by name.

Hello, my personal darkness. 

I have been coerced into greeting you like an old friend, time and time again.

So, maybe not now, but someday- I will be able to wave at you from afar.

Acknowledging you are still out there, but allowing distance to be built between us.

This prose has the purpose to vaguely describe any form of mental state that is less than favorable. For some this might be anxiety, for others depression, for some confusion, or grief, maybe even addiction or chronic illness. The vast range of human emotion fascinates me beyond measure- but even more intriguing is that although none of us experience emotion the same way or for the same reasons, there are blanket statements that can connect us to one another- reminding us that we are not alone, no matter what our personal darkness is.

I have ways that help me break loose from the days that feel heavy and dark, which has taken years- for escaping a dark mind might be one of the hardest journeys to conquer- but I am not going to preach “what works for me will definitely work for you!” especially in regards to mental wellbeing, when mental health and illness is such a complex topic that requires expert opinions, help, and guidance. 

Below are a list of resources. 

If you ever find yourself swallowed whole from your darkness, please, reach out to someone. Let them hold out a guiding hand- they may not pull your out of the dark, but they might bring comfort to you, reminding you that you are never alone.

https://www.cdc.gov/mentalhealth/tools-resources/index.htm

https://nami.org/stigmafreeco/resources

https://www.sprc.org/

https://www.nimh.nih.gov/index.shtml

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